love.beauty.grow.destiny

Even though life seems to suck, it doesn't!

2008-08-12T15:20:00.005-07:00

I feel as if my entire world has been turned completely upside down. Everything that I have known to be true, no longer is. Everything that I thought was solid proved not to be.

And while I was indeed devastated by the recent turmoil, changes, and obstacles that bum rushed me, I realized that I am still okay. Yes, I've cried my eyes dry...and yes, I hurt...
but I am good! Somedays I am still dazed by the whirlwind of disaster that has swirled around...has me like "WTF LA?"

I am happy. Even though I want to be mad at the world and would be justifiably depressed... I can't. There are too many things that are going right for me.

I don't know how I've come to this place but thank God I have.

What to do...

2008-02-18T14:11:00.002-08:00

"...When it seems like you’re no longer of God’s list of things to do, fix and protect but priority on Satan’s list to destroy..." ~Something Like A Dear John Letter by T.A.Tanyi

That's what's really good???

2008-02-16T22:06:00.002-08:00

So to sum up my life in the past recent months...

it sux.

But God has still has proven himself to be God. He continues to show me in His own way glimpses of His glory.

I probably have cried every day for the past month...

bills are due, no job, no gas, plenty of interviews (overeducated and not enough experience)

having to break that pride and ask and for help...cry in front of friends...even rejected by friends...my character/ work ethic being questioned

i'd never thought i'd be here...i'd never thought friends would respond that way...

that's whats really good?

with that said, life is hard...twilla cries...i still have faith...

Its Such a Good Feeling...

2007-09-11T22:48:00.000-07:00

It took all of me not to type out all the lyrics to the Mr.Roger's classic!

I've been in a wonderfully good mood for like the past two weeks and I don't know what it is or where it stems from. It is like being in love without there being anyone to be in love with. It's like something wonderful has just happened without anything outside the norm happening. It's like being in anticipation of an upcoming event without anything being on the schedule. It's like buying a new CD or a new pair of shoes (we all know how happy these purchases make me) without having spent a dollar. I don't know how to explain it better than that. I'm just in a gosh durn great mood!

I know that there are so many reasons that I could complain and be worried but I am tired of worrying about things that I cannot change. It was when I made that decision, to be happy, that this whatever took its place.

I was telling this to Rell over AIM earlier and he typed "good that's god." And I was like huh, "god is a feeling?" He was like "yeah, but I meant good that's good." And I was like ohhh. But now that I think about, he was on to something. Whatever this feeling in is like loving/being loved by a significant other. It's like something spectacular occurring. It's like the excitement you have when you are about to go to Disney World as a kid. It's like those things I buy to make me temporarily happy.

It is happiness. I am happy.

Cures for Homesickness

2007-08-25T19:24:00.000-07:00

Just last week, I went to my home state of NC for a friend's wedding. This trip could not have come at a better time. The previous two weeks I had been experiencing some serious homesickness. I've never been homesick before...and with being out of the house for a while, I think I've been its time that I got struck with it. But anyways, my best friend came to LA to visit me, which made helped ease the sickness. When we got to NC, I felt soooo much better. Who knew to feel better I just needed a whrilwind vacy with the friends. Sure by time Monday came around and it was time to go I didn't want to leave rehab. Yup I was fighting tears and silently protesting, but sure enough I got on the plane. By the time I landed at LAX I was okay and ready to go on with my life. What is it about
this closeknit circle of 13 people that made me feel like I just spent a whole week at my
parents' house? Honestly, I don't know. Most of us have been friends since freshman
year. Most of us lived with each other at some point in time. We have gone through some serious ups and downs. We don't live right down the street from each other anymore but somehow we are still just as cool as before. We keep in touch via text, email, IM, and the occassional phone call. It seems to be one of those situations that even if we don't talk all the time, we have each others backs in both the good and the bad times. Like all families, we make it a point to come together during weddings and its like a big family reunion. I don't when we became like family. People on the outside will probably tell you that we always have looked to be mad close. I don't know why when so many other close friends have fallen out and stopped talking to each other, we are still going strong. I don't know what it is. I don't really care to break down the science of it. I am just grateful to have friends like family that I can turn to. I am grateful that we were able to come together this past weekend. I am grateful that they keep me motivated and got me out of my depressed rut. Yup, I love you all. Can't wait to see ya'll next time!

Breakthru

2007-08-07T20:30:00.000-07:00

This blog is a day late but I have a testimony and I have got to share.

So yesterday I was having a really low, I can't take this anymore day. I slept until noon. I got out of the bed only to get my Haggen Dasz rasberry sorbet. I crawled back in bed and chatted on gmail with my roomie.
I told her how I was tired of this whole job search thing and I just wanted to crawl into a whole and emerge a whole new person. I applied for a few jobs but mostly i just stayed in bed and pitied myself. It was really a sad situation.
I decided to change my facebook status to say "Twilla is screaming God, I can't take this anymore!" The moment I pressed enter, and I lie to you not, my phone rang. On the other end was the guy that I had interviewed for on Friday. This is the job I told my parents and close friends that I really really wanted. Everything about it from the owner, to the position, to the office environment said that this job is for me!
Everything this weekend felt like I was just building up for me to step in my destiny. Hanging out at star studded events, hanging with friends, talking about traveling the world...everything. But by the time Monday rolled around, all that confidence got up and left...
Back to my story, the guy on the other end was telling me that I had gotten the job. After the conversation, I hang up. My hands shaking and then I start boohooing like a baby. Everything that I went through this past year...all my emotions, my ups and my downs, my growing, my overwhelming support from my family and encouragement from my friends...everything HIT me at once! And all I could say was "Thank you God!"
I realized that if this is what BREAKTHRU/VICTORY feels like then everything I went through was worth it!
I don't feel like I am done in this phase of life and that I still have a long way to go but regardless I am grateful!

the champ is here!

An Uphill Battle

2007-07-29T09:16:00.000-07:00

The other night I went to bed super early with a super head ache, sore throat, and a slightly depressed demeanor. However, I had a completely simple dream (the one I could remember for the night) that lifted my spirits the next morning. The dream was so simple in fact that I don't believe that it had any message of good tidings or a great job but it made me feel alright about life.

Before I go into the dream, let me quickly highlight my week. I worked a temp job the first three days, then I had interviews the next two days. And although the interviews went well, one job is not hiring for a while and the other job doesn't pay nearly enough. I also turned down one interview because the pay simply could not pay half of my monthly bills. I'm thinking, with experience and two degrees I should be able to make an okay living....right? And while I DO realize I am super blessed to finally be getting interviews, its somewhat depressing interviewing for jobs that can only offer you a very small amount of money and no benefits. Welcome to the Industry, right???

In the dream, I was driving in the Hills, Baldwin Hills to be exact, I got to this one very very steep hill that my car was just not feeling. This hill was so steep that it was actually scientifically defined as a mountain, or at least it felt like it should. My car couldn't make it up there in the Drive gear so I had to shift to the Drive 2 gear. Killa Cam was still trucking it real slow, so I put her in the D3 gear. Although she was making better progress, it still wasn't enough progress for me, so I turned off the air conditioner (because we all know that makes a difference) and she started moving a little bit smoother. But my car was working it! Everything was working, the engine sounded like it was doing overtime and I know my front wheel drive was definitely getting it! But we got to the top of that hill!

When I woke up I felt much better but it wasn't until a couple hours later that I even remembered the dream. I smiled as I begin to think, my journey is definitely an uphill battle and thank God its uphill! I might take a whole lot more work than I want to put in but as long as I am ascending to higher heights its all worth it!

To affirm one of my best friends' thoughts, Life IS a Beautiful Struggle!

Reasons to be Grateful

2007-07-23T22:09:00.000-07:00

*Hezekiah Walker's Grateful playing softly in the background*

This morning I woke up praising God and complaining simultaneously. You see, I haven't worked in FOREVER and I really need money. I can't express how much I need money. But I have this thing about HATING waking up before 9am especially when I have to because I am on somebody else's watch. On top of that, I am NOT a morning person! I don't talk in the morning, I don't smile, I don't want anything to do with anyone before 10:30am. So I had to do A LOT of praying to stay in the right mindset for my first day on this temp assignment.

I knew my job would be in downtown LA and I knew I would be working at some kind of mission doing some HR work. But it HIT me when I got to the mission... I got to one block and there were lines of homeless people...all over! Suddenly, I felt guilty for complaining about not having money. Truth is, although I don't know where my next month's rent is coming from, I'm not homeless. At least not yet...

When I woke up this morning I had a hot shower, put on clean clothes, cooked breakfast, and hopped in my car (which has half a tank of gas!!) This is my everyday reality, which compared to much of the world is a luxury! I know that right now I do feel that I am one paycheck away from being in a truly desperate situation but I was super humbled.

My problems which always seem big to me at the time are nothing different than somebody else has been through or is going through. I can name at least 4 other people in my immediate circle who are going through the same thing! My problems really aren't that big of a deal. And when I feel like complaining maybe I just need to drive down Skidrow where people are really struggling.

Life ain't no crystal stairs... I don't know why I thought I was excluded from this truth.

Where did you meet him?

2007-07-21T00:51:00.000-07:00

So on a Friday night hanging with the girls of course the subject that is men IS going to arise. So tonight our convo started with me commenting on how I am tired of falling for men who are actors or into the arts (simply because why should both of us be broke?) Then my friend replied by saying, "you tend to date men who are in the places you hang out most." Maybe this isn't profound for most people but I still feel like we had a small "aha" moment. One of my other girls was like, "Damn, thats why I always end up with hood niggas because thats where I am always at!"
Like duh thats why we are like, "Let's go to Ladera to hang out at Starbuck." Perhaps we believe the Starbucks brotha will offer us something other the men we hang out with do. If you are in a gym all the time then you will probably date gym guys. If you are at church all the time you will probably date church guys. Soooo if you are at work all the time where its ran by mostly women...who do you date? Or if you are so dedicated to your daily routine because you are on your hustle, where do you meet people?
Things like this usually don't perplex me. I guess its something about being in my mid twenties and in a new city that has me thinking "where are the men?" For now, that won't be my first priority but it will always be on the back of my mind.

It never rains...

2007-07-20T17:42:00.000-07:00

or thunderstoms or even drizzles in southern California.

I was really thinking about this today. I miss summer rain and the nightly thunderstorms that I grew to love on the East Coast. Thunderstorms meant that I was going to get a great nights sleep. Rain...well usually meant frizzy hair, but somehow still was comforting. I'm not complaining about no rain clouds in sight. It's just something else to get used to.

And now as I type they are talking about wild fires in LA. That's one thing there is enough of...

I found ME!

2007-07-18T15:56:00.000-07:00

For almost a full year I've been walking around this world feeling like I had lost all direction and there was no purpose for me being here. For someone like me who believes to the very core of who I am that everyone has a purpose which is connected to God's greater purpose, this feeling was extremely frustrating. In walking in this cloud, I felt everything from confusion to anger to extreme apathy. While walking aimlessly, I lost my way from a few of the people who I felt were super important to my Christian walk. I even felt like I had lost God. These feelings were intensified since moving to California.
But I feel like this past week the fog of confusion is clearing up. And last night I went to sleep feeling like I have found clarity. Its crazy! If you don't share my same beliefs or have not traveled a similar walk to mine, then you might not understand. Seriously, I feel like when I woke up, I was finally in sunny California.
No,my outside situation hasn't changed but that whole crazy depressed feeling that was in me for the past year is gone! If you've ever been depressed then you know how great it feels to come out of a depression! For me, walking out of that cloud meant me finding my direction, reconnecting to God (who it turns out wasn't misplaced) and letting go of somethings (guilt of losing some friends, worry,my own plans, pride, etc.)
It is easy to say that everything in life happens for a reason. It is hard to understand and even difficult to believe this is true when the things happening to you are/seem bad. But I have found PEACE. Which is something that I have always had up until last year. Somehow I think we believe that part of being an adult is learning how to worry. I never tended to worry but the moment I did, I worried BIG time. I feel that it was then that I had to find Peace and know Peace (that serious God Peace.) I'm thinking that Peace is one of the basic things you need on your Christian walk. If you don't have that...then you do not TRULY know God...and anything can take you out. KNOW GOD, KNOW PEACE. NO GOD, NO PEACE.

2007-07-18T15:29:00.000-07:00

Something New!

Taking advice from Fat Joe, I'm changing my style up brushing up on HTML and all that jazz!

Okay, I'm not doing this because Fat Joe said so but more so that my life has been in a rut the size of the Grand Canyon for the past year. I don't dispute the fact that major life events have happened during that time (moving from DC to NC to LA.) And I don't dispute that these kind of ruts happen for a reason. But because I truly believe that something wonderful is right around the corner I decided to get ready for it. Spring clean a bit. Change up my attitude. Maybe even blog a bit more...

nahhhh!

2007-07-02T20:08:00.000-07:00

Simply Fab!

Fab-u-lous:
–adjective
1. almost impossible to believe; incredible.
2. Informal. exceptionally good or unusual; marvelous; superb: a fabulous bargain; a fabulous new house.
3. told about in fables; purely imaginary: the fabulous exploits of Hercules.
4. known about only through myths or legends.

My fantastically fabulous friend in passing asked me "Why are all your friends so fab?" Laughing I simply replied "I know right!" But then really thinking about it I really start thinking about how all of the women I tend to associate are well, simply amazing!

I know all my friends aren't exactly into all the same things that I am into, like or deem as necessities to life...each one of them are doing what is important to them! I love the fact that if one my friends wants a Birkin bag, she is not going to go find a man to buy her one! These take charge ladies know what they want and set out to go get. Yes, my fabulous friends are go-getters! Inspirational to say the least!

What I appreciate most about my girlfriends is how much being around them teaches me about myself. This time 7 years ago, I was just getting comfortable in my own skin. I would have said something like, "I am an intelligent, goofy kind of girl who just wants the finer things in life...I like who I am." 3 years ago I would have said, "I am an intelligent fun loving artistic and conscious sister who wants to save the world!" Now I will tell you, " I am still growing so just let me be. I might be on the red carpet being glam or in the community center kicking it with the kids. I might be wearing Prada shades or my knockoffs from the Fashion district. I might be working as a PA on set or I might be running my own business.

I guess what I am ultimately saying is that my girls are fabulous because they cannot be labeled. They have taught me that I am super multi faceted and I don't ever have to try to fit the mold. Kinky naps striving for champagne dreams kinda defies both molds. They have taught me that in all things I should reach for the stars because at the end of the day...I'm definitely am one!

2007-06-01T00:27:00.000-07:00

FEELING GOOD, FEELING GREAT!!!

Its funny...this time two weeks ago I was hating life and super depressed. But now I am super happy and so in love with life and God and everything thats going on! If you know my situation then you are probably asking "What's so great in her life?" On the surface it looks like nothing other than an extended vacay in LA (I have no job and I am broke!)
I've always known that I am genuinely happy person and that I don't need certain comforts in life to be happy. After living the life as a student for the past few years...this type of truth should be embedded in me but living at home for six months kind of had a sister spoiled!!! Happiness is not a new CD or a new pair or shoes or any of the numerous things I like to buy. Happiness is not even the new condo or convertible Mercedes that I am saving up for! Happiness is not Defiant Entertainment Group's first Oscar winning/blockbuster film (all though that would be nice!!!!) Those things may bring a smile and a happy sensation... Well honestly, those things might make a happy person MORE happy...but give those things to an unhappy person...then it doesn't mean a thing!!!
But I really feel like I had to go through my little depressed spell to realize that I am sooo blessed. There are so many people who love me and would do anything in their power to see me do well! Thats everyone from my roomie, to my family, to my best friends and my crew, to my DC family! Man! It feels sooo great to be loved! Then on top of that I get to LA and join a Young Adult ministry (having a great fellowship group is just as important as having an apartment!!) and they look out just like they have known me for a long time!
So yeah, things at surface level could be better. But I know that stuff is coming! Right now, I am good! And I get to go to NC next week to see my younger brother graduate from high school!!! Life is WONDERFUL!

HAPPY I AM!

2007-06-01T00:13:00.000-07:00

So I wrote this sometime last week when I was stressed and tripping and somewhat pissed off! This is not nothing factual its just me blowing off steam... Many of ya'll know that I have never smoked before...its just not my scene...that doesn't mean I haven't thought about it...

I’m stressing
I’m pissed off
I’m stressing so much that I’m pissed off
Or is it I’m pissed off so much that I’m stressing
I don’t know and I don’t care
Or I don’t care that I don’t know
What I do know is that now I’m tripping
I’m tripping so much that now I’m now smoking
Or maybe I’m smoking so much that I’m now tripping
And I know people who know me and even those who don’t know me are judging me
Or worried
But whatever
I’m a smart girl
I chose smoking over eating
Well over overeating
And I chose smoking over spending money that I don’t have
It was a well thought out decision

I tried to talk to people about what was stressing me
Turned out that talking to them was adding stress to me
One friend told me my stress wasn’t that big of a deal
The other told me to do some yoga so I could heal
The other didn’t have no time for me
And no I’m not about to throw no kind of pity party
So I called my pastor who said he would pray
And my therapist is the only person who listened to me entirely and then had the nerves tell that she would offer a solution on the next day
The receptionist would handle my bill
At this point my stress and anger were beyond their fill

I found myself with a lighter in one hand and a blunt in the other
Blazing up
The smoke filled up my head taking the place of every negative thought
My insides didn’t hurt
My heart didn’t ache
For a brief period of time I was entirely free
But then I came crashing back down to reality
And everything that had me tripping was still there
A cold reminder that life ain’t no crystal stair
But inhaling let me feel that it could be
Had me like “Everything is easy baby…”
BUT
I still am pissed off and stressed and even more pissed off and stressed that I still got face the causes of my stress and pisstivity

2006-12-23T22:04:00.000-08:00

Stream of Consciousness

I realized the other day how much it really does hurt when you want to know/understand the thoughts of a loved one but they keep blocking you out. Only during this realization I realized that I too keep a lot of my thoughts to myself so I wanted share myself with you all. I do realize after this stream of consciousness exercise of mine you may never want me to share my thoughts again! LoL. In the meantime welcome to my world.

I keep hoping that you will give me reason to believe that you will one day come thru for me but I look in your eyes and I can tell its time to stop waiting for fairy tale endings I don’t know you anymore and I cannot find you in your eyes where I first met you, saw you And the saddest thing to me is that you have no idea that you are lost and I wonder if you are no longer there who am I looking at Its time for me to leave you and let you be I know that in our life we cross paths with angels and you were mine I guess you went on to complete another mission Which is fine but sad I was comfortable with you but comfort isn’t a thing that some one like me can afford at this time My destiny is too great and even her name makes me cry for both her and her sister I wonder if I will ever make your acquaintance again Will I get to cry to you and find strength when I have none My instinct tells me NO I can continue and I will I just want you to know wherever you are I will be okay I hope you are Am I to ask myself what the motivation behind this inner monolog is and when it began and whats its objective am I to believe that one day I woke up and couldn’t find you or am I slowly facing the realization that you were never there and truly the figment of my actor/director/writer imagination and if that is so where is the line between real reality and my reality because right now the lines are blurred and the real pain from the real reality has surfaced into the rose colored utopia...Pangea... of my imagination and everyday functions that where fun because you were there and no longer fun because you are gone but where they ever fun if you are no gone there is a thin line between...love and hate... fiction and non (fiction)did I write gotta write for my thesis where is my committe i gotta get this…right…write did I dream did you speak to me in my dream visions as disturbing as hyenas split in half and bleeding moons it all felt so seemed so was so real the saucer wasn’t really full and now all that remains is the residue the stains left by my coffee my starbucks and I have nothing but a bill on my credit card I really need to remember to pay by next wednesday cabs drove in circles for me to get to this solution only for me to get out realizing I was going nowhere fast I had better chance with tulips in the boardroom but my taste has never been simple...actually quite expensive like some highcount sheets and an audamars watch... and challenge has always been fun more lives than a cat keeps me climbing higher wondering when I will ever settle and be happy with mediocre still I try to find you in your eyes and but I can’t you won’t let me so I resolve to walk away still with all these thoughts floating/racing/fighting in my mind/heart/spirit

2006-07-12T20:54:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been feeling like the entire world has been against me and waiting for me to fail! I almost gave in! However, I awoke with the following on my heart!

"I was held down and feeling depressed
Forgetting the struggled required to be the best
I know I must press
I look in the mirror
and my reflection could not be any clearer
God's purpose for me
Is all I can see
Can't stop, won't stop
My place in this world is on top!
HIS daughter running the industry
That's why I got to grind and be busy
That's why I got to move to the hustler's city
That spirit is in me!
Can a minor set back take me out?
So silly I was to doubt
my destiny. My eye wandered off the prize
Forgetting a pheonix will always rise!
I know this life ain't made of no crystal stairs
but He will never put more on me than I can bear
So when it rains
I won't complain
I know at times I will cry
and I will tire, but I can sleep when I die
He not only called me to be Defiant
He ordered it, drew up a contract and signed it!
And I thank God for granting me
This moment of clarity
So that I may walk in TRUTH!" ~ A Truthfully Defiant Spirit by taeAmin

I guess I am realizing now more than ever, a big part of being Defiant...is faith. Defiance often rubs people the wrong way because it is unconventional. Who wants to be the exception to the rule? Who wants to be challenged on things accepted as the standard? If you are going to Defiant, you have to know that you are so, not to be cocky or arrogant, but because you refuse not to spread light everywhere you go. And if Defiance is part of your higher calling, than you have to have faith to walk in what you know to be truth, because it will often be tested! My truth? I got to take over media and hip hop! Thats always in my mind and has been for the past 9 years. I have to 1) believe that it is written, 2) i gotta hustle harder than Jay Z to do so, 3) realize that with no test there is no testimony!

DISCLAIMER: This post does not neccessarily reflect the beliefs of Blogspot. Tweezie doesn't take it to church too often, but doesn't mind going there every now and again!

2006-07-09T21:40:00.000-07:00

Arguing with teenagers!

This past week while I was at home, I had the pleasure of having a pleasant conversation with my 15 year old brother and 17 year old cousin. We talked about everything ranging from college plans, spirituality, and boos. Conversation was pleasant until we started talking about music. At first they were like "you cool, because you like rap and hip hop!"

I mean I've already been thru highschool so that whole validation thing from peers isn't neccessarily pressing to me, but it was flattering. I have a way with the youth and I like that. But here is where the problem came in, I mentioned enjoying music from people like Common, Talib Kweli, Mos Def... and they cut me in mid list. They were like "they are all one hit wonders!" My jaw dropped to the floor! If you know me, you know that I LOVE those rappers, like they are great to me, so I know these men are anything but one hit wonders.

But here is the killer...MY OWN BROTHER was like "yeah, they been around for ever, but did any of them ever go platinum, they not as established as Young Jeezy." My heart sank... I felt that somehow I failed as being a postive example in my lil brother's life. Like I suck really bad!

I've never wanted to be one of those people who give young people a hard time about music. Like "Good Grief!" can we be expressionistic like ya'll were...but my goodness!!! Young Jeezy, more established? Definately has more commercial appeal (he would have a fit if you called him commercial) but not more established! This convo wasn't even about who the best rapper was or nothing, just about who we like to listen and they had to go there!

I couldn't say nothing! I saw my age clear as day then... 1982 never looked so far away before! But before you know it, I will be telling my kids why Jay Z is good listening music, better then anything they will ever know about... *sigh*

2006-04-28T16:44:00.000-07:00

What's the point of talking when nobody's listening??? I really am not the type of person to tell others whats going on with me. I do well dealing with things in my own way and moving on. I have learned that for some reason this really insults people who are close to you. I'm the one who is going through but you are insulted? I still have yet to figure it out how what I am going through personally has anything to do with you. For those of you, who are the friends that feel that it is important to know whats going on in all your friends lives...thats cool. I understand that you want your friends to know that you are there for them. But dangit!!! Don't push them if they don't want to tell you, it means a lot knowing that you are just there for them. And if this friend who tends to keep things to themselves ends up sharing with you, don't take it as an opportunity to be Dr. Phil! Take this time to be a good friend and listen. You would be amazed at how good people feel after you just listen. Don't analyze...LISTEN Maybe this is just me, but I know that if I didn't ask your opinion I don't want it. If I just want to vent let me do so... Think about it, if I am telling you whats going on in my life and you are interjecting every 10.5 seconds...then you are not hearing me out and not listening. So why am I going to keep talking... This is just advice to all my people who sincerly want to be that friend that people come to talk to. Consider this the advice your friend who wants you to shut up and listen would give you, if you weren't busy analyzing everything that they said. Peace...

2006-01-14T20:36:00.000-08:00

Random thoughts about random things...

I haven't touched this blog thing for about 3 months. I really don't have that much to say, but lately these thoughts have been on my mind. Those who know me know that my thoughts are precious to me and I mostly keep them to myself. These thoughts might have arisen during conversations with friends or from my observations of people, places, and or things.

1) I hate when a person tries to analyze someone else, when most of the time that person needs to do a self analysis. If you don't have a degree in psychology or any related field, leave the analyzing to the professional (ahem...Tom Cruise and a few other people I can name)

2) I am not big on negativity! If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all. If it seems like I am being short with you this year, do me a favor before you get mad at me... Ask yourself "Is what I am saying A) pointless, B) sending out negative energy or bad spirits, or C) negative in tone?" If the answer is yes to any or all the above, please change the subject and we will be just fine. If the answer is no, don't assume that I am PMSing and ask me what is wrong and then we can go from there.

3) Don't always expect the worse out of a situation or a person. Enjoy life and don't worry about what everyone else is doing. Help others.

4) Yes, the world is a place where lots of oppression and injustices take place every second of every day. Our duty as the human race is to bring awareness to others and to do our part to help. When others are not receptive to the truth, stop talking and continue doing. When the gravity of the situation is weighing on your spirit, stop and think on the goodness that also exist in the world.

5) Can we be so passionate about what is right in our mind that we begin to emmulate the very thing that we hate? Ex: In my crusade to ensure that the voice of the underdog is always heard, I tend to yell at the top dog insisting that he allows someone else to voice their opinion, after awhile, am I making the top dog the new underdog? Still confused? The church often preaches that hate is wrong and that all have sinned, etc, etc, however many churches spew hate against homosexuals and single mothers. Somewhere in there, what the church is passionate about...hate is wrong...has become something that it has begun to practice. Stop think about it.

6) No, I am not anti-church and yes I am SIC as ever! "What will people say when they find out imma Jesus freak... I don't really care if they find out it's true..." ~DC Talk

7) In order to make change, you must know what you want to change and sometimes you must go and examine things that you want to keep hidden. But in order to grow you must make a sacrafice on the front end.

8) I think people who Blog daily have a serious problem or needs something else to do at work.

9) I admire the "make it happen" attitude of people like Diddy, Tyra Banks, Beyonce and Jay Z. It goes without saying, Kathy Hughes and Oprah.

10) I love to watch re runs of Making the Band, Run's House, America's Next Top Model

11) I was really only joking about number 8... well kinda...

12) I really don't like when people ask me questions. But I know that some people are just inquisitive, so for those people who are just going to ask me questions anyway, please keep in mind how you ask questions. If you ask me something with a snobbish, teasing or nosy tone; then please realize that I am not going to answer your question. But if you ask with a genuine sincere tone, I will (maybe unwillingly) answer your question.

Okay, thats all the thoughts that I am willing to let go right now. If you feel that I am talking about you, it is possible but more than likely I am not. Some of you reading this won't believe that I am not talking about you so you can go ahead and believe whatever. Just as long as it makes you feel more important about yourself.

2005-10-17T13:34:00.000-07:00

Millions More Moved...

This past weekend I decided to do something proactive and be apart of something larger than myself...for anybody who knows me from undergrad that doesn't sound too much outside the norm but lately I've been lazy. Anyways, I decided to take a break from the challenging routine of graduate school and the selfish mentality of "getting mines" and to wake up early and go out to the Millions More Movement. I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe that overwhelming sense of pride/anger/love you get when you watch Malcom X or that sad sense of imprisonment you get when you watch Eyes on the Prize. I really didn't know what to expect and what I got was the opposite of what I would have thought I expected.

It was all love! For real for real, it was love. One love. I thought it was beautiful how my culture could come together and exchange ideas and sing songs together in the pursuit of one goal, equality. I know it happened once in our history, but who would have thought that the some of those sentiments from the civil rights movement still remained? Christians, the Nation of Islam, Jews, atheist, whatever were all there sharing their views. And not only was it the old men left over from the last civil rights movement (no disrespect to the Rev and the Minister) but they had my generation up there and young kids up there. They had the Native Americans and the Latinos and the Asians, they had representatives from all over the African Diaspora. It was truly beautiful. I am not saying that I agreed with everything said or that people out there were perfect, but they were there for the same reason.

What made it more beautiful is the fact that it was raining here in DC for eight straight days before that and on top of that it was a bit chilly. Saturday was the most beautiful day that DC has seen in a long time. The skies were a perfect Carolina blue and no cloud in sight. So not only was it a beautiful day it was a blessed one.

For more on what went down this past Saturday check out:

http://www.millionsmoremovement.com/news/press_rel10-15-2005.htm

2005-10-14T11:41:00.000-07:00

We wildin out and keep it poppin
Party so hot, no sign of stoppin
Bringin heat like plasma
Niggas dancing so hard they gettin spasms

Intense dancing
so close, it looks like sexin
Some form a rest
Relieving the day's stress

They say we're heathens
Only seeming
But its way more than physical
Relating back to our ancestors...its spiritual

From LA getting krump
to Dirty South keeping it crunk

RIZE!!!

okay initially this little freestyle started as a joke, but on the for real for real I think everybody should check out the movie Rize. its a beautiful documentary that journies a culture unknown to many but it also links it back to African culture, which is truly interesting. How about watch it and then we can talk about it later...

2005-10-14T11:25:00.000-07:00

Relax, Relate, Release...

I don't know how many times I have repeated those words to myself this week, at least a hundred. It's been a complete whirlwind of emotions, stress, exhaustion and everything in between. And though I can say that I have not learned to relax relate and release in these moments, I have learned that crying is completely therapeutic. The question is, when there are no more tears to cry, what do I do?

I think these moments are also harder because in a way, I am alone. Alone in the sense that the things I am experiencing I have to go through by myself in order to grow. Its hard. And its even harder because if you were to ask me how I feel, there are no words to describe it.

What's funny though is that I feel that moments like these are contagious. Ask anyone in the second year graduate film program at Howard, and you realize we all feel the same. So I can truly say this moment of unexplainable overwhelming stress is only a season.

2005-09-19T14:12:00.000-07:00

When I grow up...

Do you remember back in the day when we were younger our favorite saying was, "When I grow up I..." I found myself saying that the other day and I had to stop and think. That time is here. Not that I am claiming to be so grown up, but I am 22 yrs old and live 8hrs away from my family. I work I go to school I am responsible for everything I do...so techincally when I grow up is here starring me in the face.
Then I look around me and I see facts to support that idea. I have two friends that have their own houses. I have mad friends getting married. I have a few friends that have been married and have kids. I have a nine to five. I go grocery shopping. I schedule my own doctors appointments. I have mad bills. I am in a way grown and it is strange to me because I have putting it off for so long, but it still has happened. Someday is finally here and its time to realize I am grown.
No, that doesn't mean I have to change drastically. I can hang with my friends at the mall or have a ladies nite out. I can go out and have fun. But it also means I have to look at things more maturely. Like finances and making sure I button up my jacket when its cold outside. Its new and strange to me. But all in all thats LIFE.

P.S.
Check out Little Brother's new album The Minstrel Show. Oh yeah and add to my wack list, BET (it was wack before, but they solidified their own wackness) http://www.sohh.com/thewire/read.php?contentID=7519

2005-09-16T07:39:00.000-07:00

50 cent is so wack...

Okay so I try not to give too much energy to wackness. But 50 really caught my attention with his stupid comment about Kanye. "50 Cent: 'I Feel Like Kanye West Is Successful Because Of Me'" Straight from MTV.com. If you go on to read the aritcle, 50 says like its a good album but I don't know who Kanye West is, I listen to his music and know that he has been in a car accident but that is it.
50 are you effin kidding me. Your first single off of this album is Disco Inferno...what do I know about you other than you like sex or exploiting women when you say"shake, shake, shake your ass" But when I listen to Kanye's first release "Diamonds from Sierra Leonne", I know and understand the conflict Kanye with in himself when it comes to wanting to do the conscious thing by not supporting the diamond industry or just the simple temptation to rock diamonds like everyone and be iced out. I swear 50 that is much deeper than anything you have ever told me. And I really can do analysis all of 50's songs and Kanye's songs and can tell you much more about Kanye. But whatever!
I don't know what Kanye could have done to outsell 50. Maybe get shot 9 times. Or maybe if Kanye beefed with Common or Mos Def or John Legend. Maybe his sells would have been number one for the year.

I just had to get that off of my chest... 50 is wack...so is young jeezy and so is jeezy's verse on Mariah's Shake it Off remix

ps. Hi, this is Twilla's co-worker, Suzanne. She stole my desk to bring you this blog. She texted me a haiku that I thought she should share with you all:

Young Jeezy is whack.
My God, Young Jeezy is whack.
Young Jeezy is whack.

The end. Have a great day! =)

2005-09-09T14:30:00.000-07:00

Things that make you go "hmmm" (or go"somebody has a lot of times on their hands")

I received an email from a friend (who will remained unnamed) who got an email from another friend (whose name will also be withheld) with an interesting comment. If you know the person then the email is funny. But at the same time it makes you think. I personally find it somewhat interesting and love to see how people think about things. Okay imma stop talking and let you read it for yourself:

Date: Fri, 9 Sep 2005 12:51:07 -0700 (PDT)Subject: Re: Oh my God to inhumanity
This is supposed to be a wake up call to black people to rally to start a new movement (nu nation). People don't know this but the murder of Emmett Till is called the catalyst for the civil rights movement. Emmitt Till was abducted and killed on August 28th 1955. Four days later, his mutilated body was found. 50 years later, Hurricane Katrina reached Louisana on August 28th 2005 and it took four days for the people at the Superdome to be evacauted and the people at the Convention Center to be reached. This isn't a coincidence, think about it!

Yeah so lemme know what you think.

2005-09-09T14:09:00.000-07:00

So, its been a full month since I've updated. Thats how busy I have been. Yeah but there has been so much going on. Wedding showers, movies, school, etc... Things that have been bothering me lately besides the obvious, Hurricane Katrina, I finish course work this year! What am I going to do after that. I mean yeah I have a summer job lined up in DC, but what about when I move to NYC or LA? Its like graduating from college all over again. And yeah I am 22 but I honestly have no idea what I want to do in my life. Yeah I want to act and direct but how am I going to get there. Its really like what in the world is next, I can see the big picture but I don't how to get there. I know other than my screenwriting class and my advanced directing class and thesis, that is going to be the thing that completely blows me away.
The other thing that bothers me is the Hurricane Katrina Relief Effort. I am really moved by the thousands of Americans reaching out to help our people. It is really beautiful. But I am bothered by the discussion of whether the slow relief is a result of classism or racism or just being unprepared. Despite what I believe, there is a flaw in our system and more than likely if anything was going to happen to threaten our homeland security, I don't feel safe. Even though I live less than 5miles from the White House, I don't feel safe. That is what needs to get in order.
By the way, I am proud of Kanye. Not only for his off the hook album, but for stating what he believes in. Its one thing to put it in your music but a completely different thing to say it live on TV. Congrats my brother Kanye, you just got yourself a new FBI folder! People would argue that his statement has no merit...c'mon, yeah right, whatever. Others agree with what he said and feel that he did not say it at the right time. To those, there is never a right time to do the right thing. It just has to be done. On live television on NBC during a telethon was as good as any. Thats all I have to say about that.
Anybody interested in being an extra in any feature films please check out the following website: www.extrasnow.com or go to www.carlyndaviscasting.com

I don't know the next time that I will update this thing but until then go with God and peace!!!

2005-08-04T07:46:00.000-07:00

American girl in an African world

As you know I've been in Berlin, Germany for the past week for my cousin's wedding. Because my cousin is like me in the sense that both of our fathers are Cameroonian and our mothers are both from "the west." Her wedding should be beautiful because she is tying in both Western and African traditions. And no, there will be no jumping of the broom because the Bangwa people have never heard of it.
While I have been here, I have been learning a lot more about my culture and traditions. I mean I already knew that for the most part the women do the cooking and cleaning for big events. But I think I have washed more dishes here than I have in my entire life. There is also a lot of women talk in the kitchen. At first I didn't catch on to the talk because it was in pidgin, a combination of English and African dialects, and they were talking really fast. My pidgin is not as fluent, but I have gotten a lot better. So lately they have been sharing their wisdoms with me, mostly about men and getting married.
OKAY! Everyone who knows me that marriage is not in my plan for at least another 10yrs. Talk about an uproar! All the ladies tell me its in my best interest to get married soon. Don't put off marriage to someone you love because you can go to school and have a man. So I say, "I don't have a boyfriend." Talk about another uproar. You are smart, you are young, you are pretty, why not? I feel this is the international question of the year. And I am learning that "because" is not a good answer for people anymore. But talking to these women, I realize that I am WAY more American than I am Cameroonian as far as culture goes. But before my girls start going off about women's liberation and the such let me quote my auntie Teresa. "Couples nowadays in Cameroon carry equal load. Thats good. They still uphold tradition. Some people desire things to change and to exist as it does in the west, but more of us love it the way it is. We are happy."

2005-08-01T05:36:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am updating my blog on my vacation. I had to...there is so much that I really need to say. For one, you all are familiar with the discussions about how as black people we need to be aware of the images we portray in media. A lot of times we only recognize the damage that these images cause at home. Fortunately, I have had professors that suggest that these images are not only harmful on American soil, but abroad. The theory made sense but I was not able to fully able to process this thought. For example, on my way to Germany on the plane, they started showing previews of music videos that were huge in Germany. Needless to say i was too hype to see Fantasia. Then they showed several different music videos, all the music videos with black artist, they were dancing and looking like thugs. These are everyday images on American tv, but somehow I was embarrassed watching it being one of the five black people on the plane. So then I get to Berlin where my aunt invites me to watch German television so that I can pick up on the language (yea right!) So I'm watching something similar to the WB, and I don't see one black face, not even on a commercial. Walking around in Germany I only saw two black people...other than mi familia. So I get on the subway and I they have this tv like thing going on. And then I see my girl Missy Elliot and Ciara dancing (on of the hottest dances ever) but somehow on this European back drop it was out of place. Then so I get to this place Alexanderplatz, a real hot spot. The only group of black people i see are a group of 4 teenagers dressed like they came str8 out of a music video. Is hip hop the culture for all black people living in a European world? Its not even hip hop at its purest form, it is the commercialized hiphop. Even as I sit here typing, I have heard my second 50 cent song. Just for stuff for us to think about...

Next discussion, the rise of the Chinese and their increasing investment in Africa...

2005-07-24T14:59:00.000-07:00

Finally in Mississippi again!!!!

I really don't know where to start. When I got off the plane in Memphis I felt right at home. My girl Ginny came and picked me up and right away I knew it was gonna be a fun weekend. All you really need for a crazy weekend are me and Ginny. I promise. But then we went to see the kids in the Sunflower County Freedom Project. My heart just about burst as my kids bumrushed me with big smiles and open arms. And in that moment I realized that me going to MS last summer was not just a thing for me to do.

I did a lot of personal and spiritual growth last summer. A lot of that growth came from the lessons I learned from my kids. They taught me so much about myself. From them I learned patience, diligence, hard work, and gained a broader sense of open mindedness. When I walked into Meek auditorium on Friday evening to the warm hearted greetings of middle school students from deep down in the delta, I also remembered the importance of PURPOSE. If I had decided not to go to Sunflower County Mississippi, I don't know exactly who or where I would be right now. Living with my SCFP family certain perspectives on life changed. I made new life long friends. My life was touched by all of the kids and I'd like to think that my life touched at least one of those kids.

Last night, Ginny and I went down to the Delta. We spent time with the kids and then went and chilled with a bunch of people our age. These people were teachers with Teach For America and staff of the SCFP, from all over the country. There were quite of few of us from Carolina and Duke. But somehow we were all drawn too spend some part of our life in middle of nowhere Mississippi. While I was chilling, I thought back to my summer in MS ( i did a lot of reflection on this trip.) I thought of how I we lived without cable or limited cable and limited internet. Yes it is possilbe people! And we had mad fun. Brownie Pancakes, basic slag, "Remember the Times" and when you can't think of anything else, you can always cut your hair off.

Its funny how much MS feels like home to me. I miss everyone here. The plan is to come back for Spring Break, but we'll see. If I wasn't a city girl at heart it would be nothing for me just to pack up my things and move to Indianola MS!!!

Like my girl V.K. Best says, "Mississippi...you won't know until you try it."

And now...Berlin, Germany!!!!

2005-07-21T13:31:00.000-07:00

I AM TOO HYPE!!!! Tomorrow I hop on a plane to go to Mississippi so that I can see my SCFP family!!! Then after that I will hop on a plane to go to Germany to see my cousin get married. I am so ready to go! I am mostly excited about seeing my kids in Mississippi and my girls Ginny and Carmen oh yeah and my brother boo Greg!!! Also being back in MS will give me a chance to remember how much I have grown since then. Anyone who knows me knows that I was a complete mess about this time last year. And then everything fell silent and peace finally came. And I cut my hair...
A year ago a younger version of me hopped on a plane and went to Mississippi and then to DC...
This past year has been a complete blessed journey... a lot of who I have grown to be matured in Mississippi. So for me this is a str8 up mecca. Oh yeah going to Germany is not going to be a bad trip either!

2005-07-07T14:29:00.000-07:00

So somebody told me that I need to start updating my blog more than once every two weeks. I think once every two weeks is just fine for new postings. Not too much is going on in my life right now. I work everyday for a low salary, but its my field, so I can't complain, in fact I really do love my job. I am really hype about life. I was in this little slum where I just felt stuck and didn't know what to do, but lately, everywhere I look I have found motivation to aim high and do more. With my friends being hype about life, looking out for the youth, doing big things and my pastor and my church (what do you know about the Soul Factory) constantly motivating me, I really feel that I can take on the world. In a year, when I get through with my course work at Howard Grad (those people are killing me) I am planning on going to NYC. I am too hype about that. But as right now, I know that I have a lot of things to do in DC. So right now I am focusing on helping out girls who live in my apartment complex and building my church's poetry group (gotta love those Soul Poets!) Right now you can say that I am PURPOSE DRIVEN. Life is more fulfilling that way. Knowing that when I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, I am helping somebody else get to where they are supposed to be going, its a B-E-A-Utiful thing!

Before I sign off, can we get a moment of silence for the victim's in of terrorism in London. For those kids who died today of starvation and AIDS in Africa, to the civilians of Iraq and Afghanistan stuck in the crossfire.

oh yeah check out www.one.org... we don't want your money, we want your voice.

2005-06-22T11:37:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been joking around with my DC crew about retiring from my position as a SBW (strong black woman.) I know you are probably thinking, what are you taking a break from? But it really is a tiring position. Its like you always have to remain at a hyper conscious state of mind. Think about it, if I just stopped being super conscious and sensitive of everything and every situation around me, thats a lot less to worry about. But on a serious tip, I realize that I could never really take a break from being a SBW. There really too much work to do. And truth is, it is a part of me. I am giving a speech at a youth church meeting, and somehow issues that are important to me. Everything from blinging in blood diamonds, AIDS crisis in Africa, the education gap and startling rates of my community ends up jail. Heavy is the head that wears the crown, but somebody has to wear it. And who am I to want to take a vacation from the luxurious life that I live that my ancestors fought for me to have. Or when people like Ms. Dorothy Heights is 90+ years old and still working hard. So I guess this whole post is just a motivation speech for myself to keep doin what i'm doin ;)

2005-06-15T12:39:00.000-07:00

What is there to really say? I'm at a really great point in life. I'm in grad school, I am working at a casting agency (a str8 up blessing) I am single, and I am living in DC. Life is great. So why have a blog spot? I really don't know. I am really a complex person and a lot of things run through my mind, but I often keep it to myself. I generally express myself creatively. That is acting, writing (scripts and poetry), and filmmaking (film and video.) So I guess my blog will be just another outlet. Oh, please don't expect me to keep this thing up...Like I said I am at a great point in my life, which means I have one.