Stream of Consciousness

I realized the other day how much it really does hurt when you want to know/understand the thoughts of a loved one but they keep blocking you out. Only during this realization I realized that I too keep a lot of my thoughts to myself so I wanted share myself with you all. I do realize after this stream of consciousness exercise of mine you may never want me to share my thoughts again! LoL. In the meantime welcome to my world.


I keep hoping that you will give me reason to believe that you will one day come thru for me but I look in your eyes and I can tell its time to stop waiting for fairy tale endings I don’t know you anymore and I cannot find you in your eyes where I first met you, saw you And the saddest thing to me is that you have no idea that you are lost and I wonder if you are no longer there who am I looking at Its time for me to leave you and let you be I know that in our life we cross paths with angels and you were mine I guess you went on to complete another mission Which is fine but sad I was comfortable with you but comfort isn’t a thing that some one like me can afford at this time My destiny is too great and even her name makes me cry for both her and her sister I wonder if I will ever make your acquaintance again Will I get to cry to you and find strength when I have none My instinct tells me NO I can continue and I will I just want you to know wherever you are I will be okay I hope you are Am I to ask myself what the motivation behind this inner monolog is and when it began and whats its objective am I to believe that one day I woke up and couldn’t find you or am I slowly facing the realization that you were never there and truly the figment of my actor/director/writer imagination and if that is so where is the line between real reality and my reality because right now the lines are blurred and the real pain from the real reality has surfaced into the rose colored utopia...Pangea... of my imagination and everyday functions that where fun because you were there and no longer fun because you are gone but where they ever fun if you are no gone there is a thin line between...love and hate... fiction and non (fiction)did I write gotta write for my thesis where is my committe i gotta get this…right…write did I dream did you speak to me in my dream visions as disturbing as hyenas split in half and bleeding moons it all felt so seemed so was so real the saucer wasn’t really full and now all that remains is the residue the stains left by my coffee my starbucks and I have nothing but a bill on my credit card I really need to remember to pay by next wednesday cabs drove in circles for me to get to this solution only for me to get out realizing I was going nowhere fast I had better chance with tulips in the boardroom but my taste has never been simple...actually quite expensive like some highcount sheets and an audamars watch... and challenge has always been fun more lives than a cat keeps me climbing higher wondering when I will ever settle and be happy with mediocre still I try to find you in your eyes and but I can’t you won’t let me so I resolve to walk away still with all these thoughts floating/racing/fighting in my mind/heart/spirit