Even though life seems to suck, it doesn't!

I feel as if my entire world has been turned completely upside down. Everything that I have known to be true, no longer is. Everything that I thought was solid proved not to be.

And while I was indeed devastated by the recent turmoil, changes, and obstacles that bum rushed me, I realized that I am still okay. Yes, I've cried my eyes dry...and yes, I hurt...
but I am good! Somedays I am still dazed by the whirlwind of disaster that has swirled around...has me like "WTF LA?"

I am happy. Even though I want to be mad at the world and would be justifiably depressed... I can't. There are too many things that are going right for me.

I don't know how I've come to this place but thank God I have.

What to do...

"...When it seems like you’re no longer of God’s list of things to do, fix and protect but priority on Satan’s list to destroy..." ~Something Like A Dear John Letter by T.A.Tanyi

That's what's really good???

So to sum up my life in the past recent months...

it sux.


But God has still has proven himself to be God. He continues to show me in His own way glimpses of His glory.


I probably have cried every day for the past month...

bills are due, no job, no gas, plenty of interviews (overeducated and not enough experience)

having to break that pride and ask and for help...cry in front of friends...even rejected by friends...my character/ work ethic being questioned


i'd never thought i'd be here...i'd never thought friends would respond that way...

that's whats really good?

with that said, life is hard...twilla cries...i still have faith...

Its Such a Good Feeling...

It took all of me not to type out all the lyrics to the Mr.Roger's classic!

I've been in a wonderfully good mood for like the past two weeks and I don't know what it is or where it stems from. It is like being in love without there being anyone to be in love with. It's like something wonderful has just happened without anything outside the norm happening. It's like being in anticipation of an upcoming event without anything being on the schedule. It's like buying a new CD or a new pair of shoes (we all know how happy these purchases make me) without having spent a dollar. I don't know how to explain it better than that. I'm just in a gosh durn great mood!

I know that there are so many reasons that I could complain and be worried but I am tired of worrying about things that I cannot change. It was when I made that decision, to be happy, that this whatever took its place.

I was telling this to Rell over AIM earlier and he typed "good that's god." And I was like huh, "god is a feeling?" He was like "yeah, but I meant good that's good." And I was like ohhh. But now that I think about, he was on to something. Whatever this feeling in is like loving/being loved by a significant other. It's like something spectacular occurring. It's like the excitement you have when you are about to go to Disney World as a kid. It's like those things I buy to make me temporarily happy.

It is happiness. I am happy.

Cures for Homesickness

Just last week, I went to my home state of NC for a friend's wedding. This trip could not have come at a better time. The previous two weeks I had been experiencing some serious homesickness. I've never been homesick before...and with being out of the house for a while, I think I've been its time that I got struck with it. But anyways, my best friend came to LA to visit me, which made helped ease the sickness. When we got to NC, I felt soooo much better. Who knew to feel better I just needed a whrilwind vacy with the friends. Sure by time Monday came around and it was time to go I didn't want to leave rehab. Yup I was fighting tears and silently protesting, but sure enough I got on the plane. By the time I landed at LAX I was okay and ready to go on with my life. What is it about
this closeknit circle of 13 people that made me feel like I just spent a whole week at my
parents' house? Honestly, I don't know. Most of us have been friends since freshman
year. Most of us lived with each other at some point in time. We have gone through some serious ups and downs. We don't live right down the street from each other anymore but somehow we are still just as cool as before. We keep in touch via text, email, IM, and the occassional phone call. It seems to be one of those situations that even if we don't talk all the time, we have each others backs in both the good and the bad times. Like all families, we make it a point to come together during weddings and its like a big family reunion. I don't when we became like family. People on the outside will probably tell you that we always have looked to be mad close. I don't know why when so many other close friends have fallen out and stopped talking to each other, we are still going strong. I don't know what it is. I don't really care to break down the science of it. I am just grateful to have friends like family that I can turn to. I am grateful that we were able to come together this past weekend. I am grateful that they keep me motivated and got me out of my depressed rut. Yup, I love you all. Can't wait to see ya'll next time!

Breakthru

This blog is a day late but I have a testimony and I have got to share.

So yesterday I was having a really low, I can't take this anymore day. I slept until noon. I got out of the bed only to get my Haggen Dasz rasberry sorbet. I crawled back in bed and chatted on gmail with my roomie.
I told her how I was tired of this whole job search thing and I just wanted to crawl into a whole and emerge a whole new person. I applied for a few jobs but mostly i just stayed in bed and pitied myself. It was really a sad situation.
I decided to change my facebook status to say "Twilla is screaming God, I can't take this anymore!" The moment I pressed enter, and I lie to you not, my phone rang. On the other end was the guy that I had interviewed for on Friday. This is the job I told my parents and close friends that I really really wanted. Everything about it from the owner, to the position, to the office environment said that this job is for me!
Everything this weekend felt like I was just building up for me to step in my destiny. Hanging out at star studded events, hanging with friends, talking about traveling the world...everything. But by the time Monday rolled around, all that confidence got up and left...
Back to my story, the guy on the other end was telling me that I had gotten the job. After the conversation, I hang up. My hands shaking and then I start boohooing like a baby. Everything that I went through this past year...all my emotions, my ups and my downs, my growing, my overwhelming support from my family and encouragement from my friends...everything HIT me at once! And all I could say was "Thank you God!"
I realized that if this is what BREAKTHRU/VICTORY feels like then everything I went through was worth it!
I don't feel like I am done in this phase of life and that I still have a long way to go but regardless I am grateful!

the champ is here!

An Uphill Battle

The other night I went to bed super early with a super head ache, sore throat, and a slightly depressed demeanor. However, I had a completely simple dream (the one I could remember for the night) that lifted my spirits the next morning. The dream was so simple in fact that I don't believe that it had any message of good tidings or a great job but it made me feel alright about life.

Before I go into the dream, let me quickly highlight my week. I worked a temp job the first three days, then I had interviews the next two days. And although the interviews went well, one job is not hiring for a while and the other job doesn't pay nearly enough. I also turned down one interview because the pay simply could not pay half of my monthly bills. I'm thinking, with experience and two degrees I should be able to make an okay living....right? And while I DO realize I am super blessed to finally be getting interviews, its somewhat depressing interviewing for jobs that can only offer you a very small amount of money and no benefits. Welcome to the Industry, right???

In the dream, I was driving in the Hills, Baldwin Hills to be exact, I got to this one very very steep hill that my car was just not feeling. This hill was so steep that it was actually scientifically defined as a mountain, or at least it felt like it should. My car couldn't make it up there in the Drive gear so I had to shift to the Drive 2 gear. Killa Cam was still trucking it real slow, so I put her in the D3 gear. Although she was making better progress, it still wasn't enough progress for me, so I turned off the air conditioner (because we all know that makes a difference) and she started moving a little bit smoother. But my car was working it! Everything was working, the engine sounded like it was doing overtime and I know my front wheel drive was definitely getting it! But we got to the top of that hill!

When I woke up I felt much better but it wasn't until a couple hours later that I even remembered the dream. I smiled as I begin to think, my journey is definitely an uphill battle and thank God its uphill! I might take a whole lot more work than I want to put in but as long as I am ascending to higher heights its all worth it!

To affirm one of my best friends' thoughts, Life IS a Beautiful Struggle!