An Uphill Battle

The other night I went to bed super early with a super head ache, sore throat, and a slightly depressed demeanor. However, I had a completely simple dream (the one I could remember for the night) that lifted my spirits the next morning. The dream was so simple in fact that I don't believe that it had any message of good tidings or a great job but it made me feel alright about life.

Before I go into the dream, let me quickly highlight my week. I worked a temp job the first three days, then I had interviews the next two days. And although the interviews went well, one job is not hiring for a while and the other job doesn't pay nearly enough. I also turned down one interview because the pay simply could not pay half of my monthly bills. I'm thinking, with experience and two degrees I should be able to make an okay living....right? And while I DO realize I am super blessed to finally be getting interviews, its somewhat depressing interviewing for jobs that can only offer you a very small amount of money and no benefits. Welcome to the Industry, right???

In the dream, I was driving in the Hills, Baldwin Hills to be exact, I got to this one very very steep hill that my car was just not feeling. This hill was so steep that it was actually scientifically defined as a mountain, or at least it felt like it should. My car couldn't make it up there in the Drive gear so I had to shift to the Drive 2 gear. Killa Cam was still trucking it real slow, so I put her in the D3 gear. Although she was making better progress, it still wasn't enough progress for me, so I turned off the air conditioner (because we all know that makes a difference) and she started moving a little bit smoother. But my car was working it! Everything was working, the engine sounded like it was doing overtime and I know my front wheel drive was definitely getting it! But we got to the top of that hill!

When I woke up I felt much better but it wasn't until a couple hours later that I even remembered the dream. I smiled as I begin to think, my journey is definitely an uphill battle and thank God its uphill! I might take a whole lot more work than I want to put in but as long as I am ascending to higher heights its all worth it!

To affirm one of my best friends' thoughts, Life IS a Beautiful Struggle!

Reasons to be Grateful

*Hezekiah Walker's Grateful playing softly in the background*

This morning I woke up praising God and complaining simultaneously. You see, I haven't worked in FOREVER and I really need money. I can't express how much I need money. But I have this thing about HATING waking up before 9am especially when I have to because I am on somebody else's watch. On top of that, I am NOT a morning person! I don't talk in the morning, I don't smile, I don't want anything to do with anyone before 10:30am. So I had to do A LOT of praying to stay in the right mindset for my first day on this temp assignment.

I knew my job would be in downtown LA and I knew I would be working at some kind of mission doing some HR work. But it HIT me when I got to the mission... I got to one block and there were lines of homeless people...all over! Suddenly, I felt guilty for complaining about not having money. Truth is, although I don't know where my next month's rent is coming from, I'm not homeless. At least not yet...

When I woke up this morning I had a hot shower, put on clean clothes, cooked breakfast, and hopped in my car (which has half a tank of gas!!) This is my everyday reality, which compared to much of the world is a luxury! I know that right now I do feel that I am one paycheck away from being in a truly desperate situation but I was super humbled.

My problems which always seem big to me at the time are nothing different than somebody else has been through or is going through. I can name at least 4 other people in my immediate circle who are going through the same thing! My problems really aren't that big of a deal. And when I feel like complaining maybe I just need to drive down Skidrow where people are really struggling.

Life ain't no crystal stairs... I don't know why I thought I was excluded from this truth.

Where did you meet him?

So on a Friday night hanging with the girls of course the subject that is men IS going to arise. So tonight our convo started with me commenting on how I am tired of falling for men who are actors or into the arts (simply because why should both of us be broke?) Then my friend replied by saying, "you tend to date men who are in the places you hang out most." Maybe this isn't profound for most people but I still feel like we had a small "aha" moment. One of my other girls was like, "Damn, thats why I always end up with hood niggas because thats where I am always at!"
Like duh thats why we are like, "Let's go to Ladera to hang out at Starbuck." Perhaps we believe the Starbucks brotha will offer us something other the men we hang out with do. If you are in a gym all the time then you will probably date gym guys. If you are at church all the time you will probably date church guys. Soooo if you are at work all the time where its ran by mostly women...who do you date? Or if you are so dedicated to your daily routine because you are on your hustle, where do you meet people?
Things like this usually don't perplex me. I guess its something about being in my mid twenties and in a new city that has me thinking "where are the men?" For now, that won't be my first priority but it will always be on the back of my mind.

It never rains...

or thunderstoms or even drizzles in southern California.

I was really thinking about this today. I miss summer rain and the nightly thunderstorms that I grew to love on the East Coast. Thunderstorms meant that I was going to get a great nights sleep. Rain...well usually meant frizzy hair, but somehow still was comforting. I'm not complaining about no rain clouds in sight. It's just something else to get used to.

And now as I type they are talking about wild fires in LA. That's one thing there is enough of...

I found ME!

For almost a full year I've been walking around this world feeling like I had lost all direction and there was no purpose for me being here. For someone like me who believes to the very core of who I am that everyone has a purpose which is connected to God's greater purpose, this feeling was extremely frustrating. In walking in this cloud, I felt everything from confusion to anger to extreme apathy. While walking aimlessly, I lost my way from a few of the people who I felt were super important to my Christian walk. I even felt like I had lost God. These feelings were intensified since moving to California.
But I feel like this past week the fog of confusion is clearing up. And last night I went to sleep feeling like I have found clarity. Its crazy! If you don't share my same beliefs or have not traveled a similar walk to mine, then you might not understand. Seriously, I feel like when I woke up, I was finally in sunny California.
No,my outside situation hasn't changed but that whole crazy depressed feeling that was in me for the past year is gone! If you've ever been depressed then you know how great it feels to come out of a depression! For me, walking out of that cloud meant me finding my direction, reconnecting to God (who it turns out wasn't misplaced) and letting go of somethings (guilt of losing some friends, worry,my own plans, pride, etc.)
It is easy to say that everything in life happens for a reason. It is hard to understand and even difficult to believe this is true when the things happening to you are/seem bad. But I have found PEACE. Which is something that I have always had up until last year. Somehow I think we believe that part of being an adult is learning how to worry. I never tended to worry but the moment I did, I worried BIG time. I feel that it was then that I had to find Peace and know Peace (that serious God Peace.) I'm thinking that Peace is one of the basic things you need on your Christian walk. If you don't have that...then you do not TRULY know God...and anything can take you out. KNOW GOD, KNOW PEACE. NO GOD, NO PEACE.

Something New!

Taking advice from Fat Joe, I'm changing my style up brushing up on HTML and all that jazz!

Okay, I'm not doing this because Fat Joe said so but more so that my life has been in a rut the size of the Grand Canyon for the past year. I don't dispute the fact that major life events have happened during that time (moving from DC to NC to LA.) And I don't dispute that these kind of ruts happen for a reason. But because I truly believe that something wonderful is right around the corner I decided to get ready for it. Spring clean a bit. Change up my attitude. Maybe even blog a bit more...



nahhhh!

Simply Fab!

Fab-u-lous:
–adjective
1. almost impossible to believe; incredible.
2. Informal. exceptionally good or unusual; marvelous; superb: a fabulous bargain; a fabulous new house.
3. told about in fables; purely imaginary: the fabulous exploits of Hercules.
4. known about only through myths or legends.

My fantastically fabulous friend in passing asked me "Why are all your friends so fab?" Laughing I simply replied "I know right!" But then really thinking about it I really start thinking about how all of the women I tend to associate are well, simply amazing!

I know all my friends aren't exactly into all the same things that I am into, like or deem as necessities to life...each one of them are doing what is important to them! I love the fact that if one my friends wants a Birkin bag, she is not going to go find a man to buy her one! These take charge ladies know what they want and set out to go get. Yes, my fabulous friends are go-getters! Inspirational to say the least!

What I appreciate most about my girlfriends is how much being around them teaches me about myself. This time 7 years ago, I was just getting comfortable in my own skin. I would have said something like, "I am an intelligent, goofy kind of girl who just wants the finer things in life...I like who I am." 3 years ago I would have said, "I am an intelligent fun loving artistic and conscious sister who wants to save the world!" Now I will tell you, " I am still growing so just let me be. I might be on the red carpet being glam or in the community center kicking it with the kids. I might be wearing Prada shades or my knockoffs from the Fashion district. I might be working as a PA on set or I might be running my own business.

I guess what I am ultimately saying is that my girls are fabulous because they cannot be labeled. They have taught me that I am super multi faceted and I don't ever have to try to fit the mold. Kinky naps striving for champagne dreams kinda defies both molds. They have taught me that in all things I should reach for the stars because at the end of the day...I'm definitely am one!